I'm just going to come out with it
I'm just going to come out with it: I am going through a divorce. My husband and I made this decision back in May, so we're mostly done with the formalities. It's a mutual and amicable decision. And, although it is hard, it's the correct decision.
I am sharing this for a few reasons.
1. My life is my work. I am someone who uses the material of life in my work of writing and teaching. If I'm cordoning off part of my life, I don't have full access to my creativity, emotions or magic. Also, I have a terrible poker face and trying to live two lives is not my thing.
2. Shame loves a secret. While I think it's less than in the past, there's still some stigma around divorce (and this is my second one). My spouse and I worked really hard to stay together, but the best decision is to separate, and that's nothing to be embarrassed about. I've always been pretty open about things I've gone through, and people have shared that that's helped them. So here I am.
3. Let's normalize going through rough spells. We're all going to go through major losses and deep griefs in our lives. I know many of you have gone through huge things this year already — death of a loved one, divorce, a diagnosis, health issues, financial insecurity, a cross-country move, a family tragedy. These are natural things that happen. I see you. And I know the toll it takes to keep showing up to your life.
4. Telling our stories helps process and integrate new identities and realities. This was one of my earliest lessons in grief — talking about it helps the brain make sense of a new reality. Our cognitive function, memory and focus can decline during periods of grief as the brain works to make new grooves... and slips back into old ones. Like when you "forget" your loved one has died. New pathways take time and telling our stories helps create those connections.
5. The body knows first. If you've been here for a bit, you've heard me talk about the health challenges I've been having — for years. Turns out... my heart palpitations, constant reflux and incessant eye twitch are all GONE. Even though this decision has been so painful, even through the pulling apart of our lives and household, even through the stress of trying to buy a house, the physical stress is so much less. My body has been holding so much knowing — I just wasn't ready to hear it.
So… this is life.
If these are natural and "normal" things that happen in a life, how do we handle it? I think that's the real question. Not Why? — that's unanswerable in most cases. But What do I do with this? How do I take care of myself? What is important to me? Who else is here?
💞 I'm leaning on the both/and: This shit is hard. // There's so much support, beauty and grace. Both deserve our love, attention and respect.
💞 I'm grateful for friends. Old friends, new friends, support and love from unexpected places.
💞 I'm practicing receiving. (Where did I learn that doing everything myself was more noble? Answer: Everywhere.) Asking for what I need and want, accepting help when it would make life easier. Like the friend who came with me to house showings, the one who helped me start packing on Sunday, the one who just sits with me instead of fixing anything. Community over independence. I'm here for it.
💞 And the absolute highlight of my days... coming to live classes and making recordings for It's All Yoga. That has been a lifesaver these past months. The joy! How we all leave feeling more uplifted, confident and capable — and it's not just the physical practice. It's also feeling seen and loved.
💞 And the absolute highlight of my days... coming to live classes and making recordings for It's All Yoga. That has been a lifesaver these past months. The joy! How we all leave feeling more uplifted, confident and capable — and it's not just the physical practice. It's also feeling seen and loved.
If I've been slow in getting back to you in the past months, this is why. (With apologies.) Thank you for being here and for reading.
Michelle Marlahan has been teaching yoga since 2001 and is the founder of It's All Yoga. She teaches from her home in West Sacramento, alongside her cat Magic and her dog Maple.