Why NOT me?
Think back to the last time you felt the anguish of an undeserved situation. A time when you were dealt a hand that didn't seem fair. Fair -- a word nature does not have in her vocabulary.
I have filled my dance card with "Why me?" questions over the years. Why did I not get to have children? Why did my baby die? Why do I have to go through this health scare, haven't I already been through enough? Why this, why that?
Although we might say this is a "natural" question, it's proved itself to me to be a completely useless one, bringing more suffering than insight.
How about for you?
There are many reframes of the Why me question:
What is this thing teaching me?
What can I learn here?
What's the purpose behind this?
And these can be helpful when we seek to explore other perspectives and meaning around the events of life.
Here's another take:
Why not me?
A few days before my surgery, this 2019 interview with Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper landed in my inbox. They talk about their childhoods -- both of their fathers died when they were 10 -- as well as other losses, faith and life.
At one point, Anderson shares that his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, used to say, "Why not me? Why would I be exempt from what has befallen countless other people?"
This has been a helpful question for me the past two weeks. Why NOT me? Why would I not get cancer? Because I'm a good person? Because I'm vegan, health-focused, don't drink, don't smoke and practice yoga?
It makes me think of what Fran Lebowitz says in her Netflix series. "Your bad habits can kill you, but your good habits won't save you." I mean, I don't entirely buy that. We know that lifestyle plays a huge role in a person's risk and management of disease. But it's not a guarantee.
Maybe it's more like my profoundly wise friend Traci recently shared:
Not permanent.
Not perfect.
Not personal.
(I feel like I should just go ahead and get that tattoo.)
In the game of percentages, someone gets the short stick. Not because they are being punished, just like the person with the long stick isn't being rewarded. In the video, Stephen says, "With existing comes suffering. There's no escaping that." He also asserts that our suffering helps us be "the most human" we can be.
There is suffering in this life, in things that happen. It's about not creating more suffering around what happens. It's not what comes at us, it's how we meet it, what we do from there.
These are incomplete thoughts from the couch. I promise not to bombard you with journal-entry style commentary on my recovery (if you want that, check out my Instagram), so I'll offer a quick update. I did have cancer, it had not spread and will not require any further treatment after the hysterectomy. Good news! On the other side of things, I have "a large blood clot," called a hematoma, in the layers of muscle under one of the incisions that is causing a lot of pain and tempting why me moments. It should resolve in a few weeks.
There's no time like this to be aware of the beauty and preciousness of life. I do feel like I am the most human I can be. Consider again your Why me moment... how did it make you more human?
With loving care,
Michelle