i used to have a "real" job

Some people are surprised by this fact.

They think I was born a Yoga Teacher.

Au contraire. I was a Business Consultant first.

Ya, I’m not really sure what that means either.

It’s said that consultants are sort of good at a lot of things, but not really good at any one thing.

I worked for a company called Synergy Consulting. It was a small, Sacramento firm which contracted solely with State agencies. I was the 96th employee.

My projects included the Department of Health, the Department of Child Support Services, and CalPERS. My responsibilities ranged from Business Process Reviews (making maps for a current workflow and identifying potential inefficiencies or dead-ends) to Data Conversion Mapping (matching pieces of information in one system to their correct location in a new system) to Training (Hi, Department of State Workers, I’m going to train you on this new computer system I know nothing about).

Feeling like I knew nothing was something I was pretty used to. I mean, I faked it for a while. We can do that, you know.

For six years, Synergy (later acquired by AMS, later acquired by CGI) was a wonderful place to work. I was surrounded by people much smarter than me and I knew I would grow because of it. It paid well, I had health insurance, and at the time, job security. My dad was proud.

And yet. And yet.

By the end, I dreaded going to work. I arrived late and left early. The best thing about my day was my outfit.

To boot, for the last year and a half I was running the studio and teaching 10+ classes a week.

My health was declining due not only to physical exhaustion, but also the disparity between my personal integrity and my actions. The body takes on what the mind/heart cannot handle.

I actually thought of closing the studio. Sometimes we imagine it would be easier to completely deny a dream than it would to allow for the changes that would take place should that dream become reality.

Even though I dreamed of devoting myself to the studio and teaching, the lifestyle changes required in order to do that seemed too large. To ask my then-husband to financially support the family (at least for a while) seemed unreasonable. Wouldn’t it be easier to shut that part of myself off, to do the responsible thing.

Thankfully, after much discussion and a near break-down, I decided to retire as a consultant. Every day I am thankful for this decision. (I am such a better yoga teacher than I ever was a business consultant.)

My health gradually improved, my confidence increased, I was more willing to take risks, I was engaged and participating. Not that there haven’t been bumps and unexpected turns, but that’s living, that's being human.

So I’m wondering about you. What dreams do you have? What small step could you make toward that reality? How does your body/spirit respond to denial? Or if you’ve taken a big risk in your life to follow a dream, what has that been like? Even a small victory, like painting the bedroom the color you’ve always wanted.

Part of the richness of life is sharing and telling our stories, being heard. Thank you for listening to mine. I hope to hear from you.